An Inauspicious Beginning.

Hello,

It’s official: my terrible year has started. Two days ago marked the beginning of the Year of the Fire Horse, coincidentally a cosmically unlucky period for us Rats (1996, and every 12 years before or after that). So far, I’ve already ran, embarrassingly fast, to catch the red City Rail Link bus, only for it to mockingly peel itself from the curb the second I got to the door; I’ve had a sweet elderly woman spill her coffee on the pavement in front of me on High St, her milky flat white hitting the hems of my jeans; and I’ve had my eyebrow appointment abruptly cancelled due to an online booking system error. Bad luck seems to be everywhere I look.

Of course, I have carried out the requisite superstitious rituals required of me to placate the godawful juju. I’ve not washed my hair. I didn’t sweep. Two days ago, I ate a whole fish.

I am fond of being Chinese, and lately it feels like a lot of other people are as well. I keep digitally meeting people in a very Chinese time of their life, co-opting the various superstitions and cute little horse tchotchkes. I do not, however, see them scooping out the tender white flesh from a fish’s tiny cheeks, stealing the prized part before anyone else could beat them to it. I do not see them plucking the juicy eyeball, denying its blank stare, and plopping it into their mouth to chew on. I do not see them picking out spindly bones from the slim gap between two teeth, narrowly avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of it lodged in their throat. All I’m saying is, they could maybe stand to be a bit more Chinese before claiming its customs on social media.

If you’re wanting to give the above a go, there are numerous places in Tāmaki to order a whole fish, which is a symbol of good fortune. Try any Chinese restaurant; my favourites are Cantonese (Grand Harbour, Golden Jade, Mr Lobster, Imperial Palace, for example) and ask for a “steamed blue cod” or a “deep-fried snapper”. Make sure to say “not too big” or ask for the price, or you’ll get stung. Thai restaurants are obviously partial to a whole deep-fried snapper as well (try Sa-On or Kiin). You don’t have to eat the eyes.

Love,
Jean

P.S. Due to our Splore giveaway last week, the powers-that-be at Gmail nudged our email over to the Promotions tab. We’d love it if you could drag it back to Primary in your inbox so that it recognises us not as noisy promotion, but for what we actually are: a lovingly written independent newsletter. Thank you! 

RUMOUR MILL: Ex-Sir James Wallace is back in action – seen in the wild at a Gus Fisher Gallery talk last week. The least scrupulous amongst you may now form an orderly queue for your project funding.

MUDITA is opening at 234 Ponsonby Rd (previously in Takapuna). Mudita is known for its vegan cakes and in this spot will be serving “vegan Malaysian comfort food”... not a genre I’m wholly familiar with but I am open to it. Vegetarian rendang? Dahl? Tofu char kway teow?

Looks like the Tony’s Steakhouse on Wellesley St West has recovered from its troubles and is expanding into the old Chongqing Noodles space next door with a bar called ‘The MEATing Room’ (yuck). 

AY CARAMBA (which distributes Mexican products and ships nationwide) is opening its own taco shop at 33 Spartan Rd, Takinini. The opening day is this Saturday, which will also feature tamales and empanadas alongside tacos – plus live music etc.

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WISHLIST

Things I want to eat.

Ice cream at SUBI’S DESSERTS
542 Sandringham Rd, Sandringham
The flavour menu is full of intriguing gems like “milk cake and cardamom”, “saffron pistachio”, “jawa plum”, and “crushed peanut brittle”. Those are things I want to eat.

DINNER AT KELMARNA by Georgia van Prehn
12 Hukanui Crescent, Ponsonby
I’ve always liked Georgia’s food at now-closed Alta, which was sometimes-weird (more often described as “playful”) but always tasty, and she’s cooking a 3-course shared menu here on 20 and 21 February.

Raspberries + earl gray cream pastries at MOR BAKERY
58 Remuera Rd, Remuera
One of my non-negotiable must-visits before I leave Auckland this week is a trip to Mor Bakery, which always posts the most perfect pastries on Instagram and is my favourite in the city. I’m not a huge pastry gal but they are my exception.

Lunar New Year seafood tower at ADVIEH
1 Queen St, Central city
Advieh has a new Chinese head chef, so despite the restaurant's Mediterranean menu, it’ll be offering a seafood platter to mark the new year that has crayfish, paua, clams, oysters, prawns and more. And yee sang! $179 for two, $289 for four.

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CLOSING TIME

RIP to GIGI, in the old Ponsonby Bistro space which never seemed to find its feet and will be replaced by a yet-to-be-named project from Matt Lambert (The Lodge). PERCH in Britomart has also announced its closing – final day tomorrow. Also, that fun live music venue on Lorne St, We Sound Cafe has been cleared out – we’re not sure if it’s closing or getting a refit but we’d like to take this moment to acknowledge their incredibly cheap cocktail menu.

According to THE SPINOFF, Hard To Find Books is still being kicked out. But good news for all you bibliosmia freaks – it has found a new space in that big blue building just over the Symonds St bridge.

Local fashion label RACHEL MILLS is closing down, a clothing store that made all its pieces to order, sewn right here in Auckland. Last orders are on 17th March. I like their CUT-OUT CAMIS.

It’s not every week that Government and Council combine to deliver an economically coherent YIMBY-supported decision, so let us recognise the liberation of Eden Park from its resource management straitjacket. Starting in April, Auckland's self-styled national stadium will be free to add 20 concerts per year to its current limit of 12, all of which can now go longer and later on any day of the week, alongside additional night-time sports, without the need for pesky consent applications. The changes are expected to inject yet a further $70m into the economy annually – assuming, of course, that the demand from event promoters meets the new supply.

All of which sounds sensible and even heartening to the geographic neutral, but what of the Mt Eden locals? Apparently, they are near united in their magnanimity: according to Eden Park, there is 97% support for more events, a level of popular backing that would make even Putin suspicious. The EDEN PARK NEIGHBOURS’ ASSOCIATION website (not to be confused with the pro-stadium EDEN PARK RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION) is silent on matters post 2024, suggesting the fire has gone out of their fight. Perhaps they knew they were on a losing wicket, or perhaps even they have had a change of mind? As Eden Park itself solemnly counsels, "FLEXIBILITY IS NOT EXCESS. IT IS DISCIPLINE." - Mike

By Simon

Items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.

Reminder: this stuff often has GST and a buyers premium slapped on top of the sale price. Be careful!

LED THERAPY MASK
Current bid $160, Closes Monday.
Despite what you may have heard, Google’s powerful search AI says that these light therapy masks do work and that they are MOSTLY safe.

PORTABLE ELECTRO-ACUPUNCTURE MACHINE
Current bid $30, Closes Monday
Seems an insane things to just put on yourself and hope for the best but Google’s powerful search AI says it really can help you and is also mostly safe. 

SKELETON AND ASSORTED PARTS
Current bid $205, Closes Monday.
Looking at the ‘assorted parts’ next to the skeleton (note: missing foot) it’s easy to see how paleontologists used to find a pile of bones, assumed they were all from the same animal and, as a result, invented new species of dinosaur all the time as they jigsawed them together.

YUKI KIHARA, THE GOSSIPERS
Closes Tuesday, Est $800-$1500
I’ve always loved this Yuki Kihara work and its excellent name - there’s no mention of the size of the edition so buyer beware I guess, but wonderful nonetheless.

LIZ MAW, VENUS FROM HELL
Closes Tuesday, Est $1500-$2500
A great chance to own Liz Maw’s amazing/crazy portrait of peak Nicky Watson.

SUPERMARKET FIT OUT
Closes Tuesday
All the fittings from the Acecco supermarkets are online here if you want to personally take a crack at breaking up the NZ Supermarket duopoly.

By Simon

FRIDAY 20TH

SPLORE
Ends Sunday, Tapapakanga Regional Park, From $115 
Last Splore EVER. Featuring the great Francois K, General Levy, Nightmares on Wax, Sister Nancy plus heaps more international and local entertainers including Cringe’s Face of 2025, Half Queen and previous winners of Cringe’s Band Name of the Week, Dick Move.

MIND ALONE
Durham Lane, Free
Good Sport magazine is over from Australia for an Adidas activation with the Katayangi Twins, and photography from Felix Jackson, Crystal Chen (she does photography too!), Finn Bowman, Bella Downer and Elliot MacDonald. There used to be a lot of these free drinks, skate coded, Viceish events around during the last recession and I’m wondering if they are a telling economic indicator.

SATURDAY 21ST

LUNAR ON LORNE
Lorne St, Free
Lunar New Year party on Lorne St with Asian board games, snacks, lion dancing, traditional instruments and apparently also high-energy dance and rap battles. If you are not hard enough to handle the high-energy rap battle, there’s also new year stuff this week at the Art Gallery, Sky City, the Library and the Lantern Festival, which is at Manukau Sports Bowl again but you’ll need to book a (free) ticket to get a slot, which you can do HERE.

PULP
Spark Arena, $150
The most art-schooly of all the Brit Pop groups, touring their new album after a 20-year break and a stint as the reformed Oasis’ warm up act.

FABLES
Cupid Bar, $25
A gig to show off the new, delicate, but honestly a little menacing song, Eyes Closed, in the continued build up to the release of her debut album Change Is A Slow Moving Beast. She’s also playing on Sunday at the Leigh Sawmill (also $25).

TELLTALE (A DOG)
Te Uru, Free
The first paintings-only show for the high-flying Ammon Ngakuru. Runs till May 17.

NYMPHO
Neck of the Woods, $70
Fifth anniversary for the insanely popular Nympho, featuring internationals Only Fire, River Moon, Memphy, Dontachi and a special secret guest alongside a bunch of local DJs.

SUNDAY 22ND

ASCEND WITH THE NINE FREEDOMS
The Aetherius Society, Free
“The Nine Freedoms are a series of messages known as Cosmic Transmissions given by a highly advanced extraterrestrial intelligence known as Mars Sector 6 through Dr George King – one of the greatest mediums the world has ever known.” Huge if true.

QUEER AUTUMN 2
Whammy, $10/15
If you’re looking for a Pride Festival music event that isn’t a super late, sweaty, throbbing dance party, here is an early, potentially still sweaty guitar band gig: The EE Machine (Emily Edrosa of Street Chant), Masc/Femme and the easy winner of this issue’s Cringe Band Name of the Week, LESBIAN DEATH SLUTS FROM HELL.

TUESDAY 24TH

THE DICE SHOW
Whammy, $24
Improv comedy.

THURSDAY 26TH

GONE BY LUNCHTIME
Q Theatre, $25
Cringe’s favourite local podcast (apart from Jean’s) is celebrating 10 years of existence with a live show at Q. Along with the hosts, an unnamed special guest will appear – we think probably Chlöe or one of the Browns, Wayne or Simeon, or maybe Len.

MENDELSSOHN & DVOŘÁK
Town Hall, From $50
The APO is back with Australian pianist Andrea Lam sitting in on Mendelssohn’s Piano Concerto No.1. Also in the programme, Dvořák’s Symphony No.8 and local piece, Hinemoa by Maria Grenfell.