IKEAn't believe it's finally here.

Hey,

IKEA is opening in Sylvia Park next Thursday. I have a somewhat embarrassing love for this Swedish company, which only seems possible because it had never opened its own store here. It was a dream. It was Disneyland. My interactions with it have only been fleeting, on holiday, where everything looks better than it really is – including flatpack furniture in faux designer silhouettes. Obviously, the minute I step foot into the yellow-and-blue megastore in Sylvia Park; the second I see a minimally presented Hej! poster; the moment after that first bite of a meatball on Aotearoa soil, the love will diminish. That is the Auckland curse.

Still, I have many questions. How will it be laid out? Will we be forced through the usual series of staged rooms that belong to young people in creative-adjacent jobs in order to purchase the homeware? Will someone yell at me if I lie on the beds, like in 500 Days of Summer? How expensive will a Billy bookcase be? Will we have access to new collaborations (like THIS ONE WITH TEKLAN), or will we – as an insignificantly populated nation – be shafted? What will be available at the food market? Will there be soft serve?

The IKEA opening was obviously timed to the gifting season, though it doesn’t feel very merry at the moment. Pre-holiday anxiety is trapping the city. It's so hot and sunny and humid and claustrophobic. Walking 15 minutes from downtown to uptown makes you sweaty. There’s incessant enquiries about holiday plans, even though, for most of us, there’s still a month of work to trudge through. We’re in this weird limbo; the lightness of festivity hasn’t kicked in yet, so the heat feels worse. Maybe this weekend’s Farmers Santa Parade will be the On switch.

Love,
Jean

P.S. Want to nab some free wine tonight? Try the opening of The Arts House Trust ‘A MOMENT TO HOLD’, from 5.30-7.30pm. It features collective Cringe fave brunelle dias, plus Hannah Ireland, Ruby Wilkinson and others.

RUMOUR MILL: Karangahape Rd favourite CRUSHES is moving down the road to the old Leo O’Malley’s space on the corner. Although not a hugely dramatic move, it's said to include a matcha cafe by Thea and have space for pop-ups and exhibitions. “A concept department store.” Cool!

OPENINGS AND CLOSINGS

A new hamburger place called BARREL N BURGER looks to be opening soon on Wellesley St across from the new train station.

There’s a new Korean restaurant called Hanane at the corner of Shortland St and Jean Batten Place in the underground space where the Yakitori used to be. Looks like a mix of classic Korean dishes and hot dogs on sticks.

ONE STOP ACAI has opened a new store in St Kevins Arcade. They have an opening special there this weekend with two-for-one acai bowls and matchas (from $6!). Side note: When something starts becoming popular in central-ish Auckland, it feels like it all comes at once. Of course, we’ve had Lulus for a hot minute, but I saw that a place called “Flip” is opening soon on Queen St, opposite Aotea Square, which purports to sell burgers and acai. There’s also Atmosphere, Azit, Seasons and Juice Up, which all opened recently-ish in Newmarket (with at least one more on the way). Frozen yoghurt 2.0. 

TREND WATCH: Photobooths in cafes. Alongside Honeymoon Ave, MINGLES in the central city, on Rutland St near the library, has a high-angle photo booth (and einspanners).

WISHLIST OF ONE: I want to try this raw seafood from ZABWASAN that you pick up in the boot of someone’s car on Queen St. There’s raw marinated crabs, salmon and prawns in what looks like Thai marinades – I am usually sceptical of influencer-esque content these days but I could eat raw salmon everyday for the rest of my life so unfortunately I am influenced.

NEWS AND EVENTS

Peach’s Hot Chicken have a THANKSGIVING MENU today for $39 with your choice of roast or fried chicken with all the FIXINGS and pumpkin pie for dessert (upgrade to pecan for $6).

Pici turns five on Friday night and is celebrating with a MAGNUM PARTY, all welcome. I went to their opening night – I cannot believe it’s been five years. Time goes by fast when you’re eating cacio e pepe. Get a Pici fan one of its WINE-BOTTLE TOTES for Christmas.

SCARECROW on Kitchener St is now doing dinner. It’s very French.

Apero have reopened their deli, SUPERETTE, for summer.

Not food news, but if you want to pick up a unique ceramic piece for a unique friend these holidays (or a unique you), then Lucy McMillan is doing a STUDIO SALE this Saturday in Grey Lynn. Alongside all the usual dinnerware suspects, there will be incense burners!

by Mike

In synchronicity with spring, fresh signs of life can be seen in the central city as the first layers of perma-works are shed. Pitt St is free of obstruction for the first time since forever and, starting this weekend, buses return to Albert St, no longer detouring around the construction of Te Waihorotiu train station. 

But despite genuine service improvements and substantial population growth, Auckland public transport ridership remains at 2017 levels, with Covid and its hangover wiping out all subsequent growth. There’s no shortage of EMPTY BUILDINGS and consumer confidence has yet to rebound too. As the shopping season accelerates, though, there’s a sense of what’s to come: an unburdening as, at last, the final form of our new streetscapes start to emerge. It’s far too soon to suggest the central city has turned the corner, but perhaps there’s a glimpse of it to be had as the first of the hoardings start to come down.

Items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

4 ROW BLEACHERS - SITS 29
Current bid $105, Closes today
If you have been planning on using your spare room to open a theatre, there are a bunch of bleacher seat modules here. If my maths is correct (and it barely ever is), all told it adds up to seating for 610 in three different size configurations.

SAMSUNG THE FRAME 55” TV
Current bid $587, Closes Monday
‘What the hell, Simon, I thought we were here to watch the game. Where’s the TV?’ they say as I smirk, pick up the remote and stun them all. It turns out what they thought was the extravagantly hung and classily framed original painting of The Scream by Edvard Munch which I had guillotined so it was 16/9 format is actually the TV they had come to see all along. Alakazam, losers.

SMEG STAND MIXER (BLACK)
Current bid $125, Closes Monday
If you missed out on the massive Kitchen Things liquidation auctions over the past month, great news - they are ongoing. This one has 487 sealed appliances including a lot of Smeg and Asko stuff including a large number of these stand mixers and if you like to bake, but don’t have one because they are insanely expensive, this will be a good chance to escape your achy shoulder, hand-mixer hell.

1995 TADANO TR-100ML MOBILE CRANE
Current bid $2,100, Closes Wednesday
Hard to argue with the current price on this 12 tonne crane but it apparently needs a little work to bring it up to something called COF standard, and if you were going to use it as your regular commute it looks like it will probably be quite hard to park in town.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP CARDS
Current bid $20, Closes tonight
A bulk lot of passive aggression. Hundreds of thank you cards that you can send to all the people who didn’t lift a finger last time you moved house, tidied the office or really tried to do anything at all.

By Simon

FRIDAY 28TH

HOOK HAND HEART STAR
Objectspace, Free
The retrospective show of Warwick Freeman’s life work is back from Munich and setting up at Objectspace till March. There’s apparently about 300 pieces of jewellery involved so spare a thought for the installation people no doubt racing to get it all set up as you read this.

WEIGHTLIFTING NEW ZEALAND NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS
Also Saturday, Due Drop Events Centre, Free
I find competitive weightlifting injuries to be amongst the most disturbing in all of sports so if that’s your thing, this is the place for you.

SATURDAY 29TH

CHRISTMAS GUINEA PIG SHOW
Waimauku Hall, Gold coin koha
There will not be a Christmas event more adorable than this. Local guinea pigs will compete to see who can eat the fastest, keep a Christmas hat on the longest and for fanciest fancy dress. There will also be guinea pigs looking for homes and if you already have one, you can enter it into any of the aforementioned events for $5.

ELAM GRADUATE SHOW
20 Whitaker Pl, Free
Always good to go and stare blankly into the future of New Zealand art at this annual celebration of the poor decision making of teenage school leavers. Also a great gambling opportunity for those that feel they can pick a winner, buy a cheap artwork and patiently wait for its maker to hit the big time.

RUNNING STITCH, ENSHRINE
Geihinkan, $10
Running Stitch, winners of this week’s Cringe Band Name of the Week will be playing an acoustic set at 8, then an electric one at 8:45. Enshrine (electric/folk/celtic) are on at 9:45.

THE OTHERS WAY
Karangahape Rd, From $99
Looks like the main ticket allocation is exhausted but you can get Main Stage only tickets still and my friend Dr Stu says if you use the promo code FRIENDLY on the website there are cheaper, all venues tickets still there.

SUNDAY 30TH

FARMERS SANTA PARADE
Queen St, Free
Not really the same without the big Santa on the Whitcoulls building. Parade runs from 1 – 2:30pm.

FILTH: A DAYTIME KANIKANI
Open, $20
Seems like there’s more daytime dance parties every week at the moment. This one goes from 3-9pm with AJHONEYSUCKLE, GOLDTOOTH, HALFQUEEN and KAREN NYAME KG from the UK. 

MONDAY 1ST

JIMMY O YANG
Aotea Centre, From $89
This guy was really funny in Silicon Valley.

TUESDAY 2ND

SOMBR
Town Hall, $80
American alt-popper who’s track Caroline is apparently a ‘sad girl anthem’ which surely is a great thing to have if you are making money from Spotify plays.

WEDNESDAY 3RD

PETER ROBINSON
Coastal Signs, Free
If you saw a lot of work that looked like Peter Robinson’s in the Elam grad show and it left you with a hankering for the real thing, here’s a new show of drawings from the big man.

GARBAGE
Town Hall, From $115
More nineties nostalgia.

THURSDAY 4TH

IKEA OPENING DAY
Ikea, Free
No matter what steps have been taken, what mitigations, or what plans have been made, there is no way that adding Ikea lookie loos to the already soul crushing Sylvia Park Christmas traffic can possibly result in anything else but the worst gridlock in Auckland history. If you want to go, do yourself a favour and take the train.

CHRISTMAS IN AOTEA SQUARE
Aotea Square, Free
I can’t tell exactly what this is apart from what is clear from the name but I can tell you that Crystal Chen is playing at 6 and Lou’ana is on at 7.

BODY LANGUAGE
Season, Free
A group show(ish) to finish the year at Season with new work by Raukura Turei alongside archival stuff from Di Ffrench and the currently omnipresent John Miller.

ETERNITY
In Cinemas
Elizabeth Olsen gets to heaven and has to choose which of her dead husbands to spend eternity with. Feels a bit like The Good Place, in a nice way.

SUMMER HEAT
Big Fan, $15
All ages show with Scream By Tulips, Groop Chat, Tangerino and The Threads.