Issue No32 — Coming Home

Hello,

The first thing I did in Auckland was eat a takeaway container of sambal chicken from Lima Bintang. I did it on the way home from the airport, the box balanced on the backseat’s middle armrest, my neck twisted at an unnatural angle to avoid getting splotches of deep red on my jeans. It couldn’t wait, and I scoffed the whole thing with speed. The rest of my visit followed with the same urgency, attending to all I could in big gulps: ordering both desserts at Bare Wine; eating fistfuls of fries at Lucky G's; having a first, second, third slice of pandan coconut cake from Michelle Young Bakery; splitting a lush platter of thick-cut sashimi from Anzu; taking a shot on a decadent truffle mash special at Kajiken. There was much to fit in.

I am being very dramatic about this so all of you reading from within the borders of Tāmaki Makaurau can truly understand and feel grateful for the abundance of joys that lay within your reach. I understand that not everyone will feel this way about food. It must be said I am the kind of person that cried on the phone whilst a close friend described the restaurant meal they had at Gilt the day before. The vision of everyone I knew sitting around the table eating bouillabaisse made me sick for home. It was pathetic but sweet.

I experienced the “pathetic but sweet” sensation multiple times during my visit home. Pathetic, because I’d only been away for less than two months. Sweet, because I was assured that years of writing myself into a love for the city has genuinely worked, fooling my subconscious into feeling sentimentally achy just spotting the skyline from the top level of a double-decker bus crossing the Harbour Bridge.

I felt fond about lots of other non-food-related things: visiting Te Uru Gallery to see Ammon Ngakuru’s ANXIOUS DUCK; standing shoulder-to-shoulder with patrons at our too-small Unity Books; people watching from the huge windows that overlook Wellesley St East in the much-worse-than-Wellington’s Auckland Central Library. 

Theoretically, you could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with people at Unity Books or people watch in Wellington too, but there is a specific pleasure in the familiar, the layers and layers of memories superimposed onto a place the longer you’ve spent in it. My visit to Te Uru made me think of the first time I went there, with my high school best friend. A Seung Yul Oh show was on, this gigantic yellow light-bulb looming down from the ceiling. He lives in Berlin now, but standing in the gallery I texted him: remember that time we went to te uru? It is so nice to know a city and be known by one too.

Love,
Jean

PS. It’s the last week of the referral link thing below and your odds of winning if you do it are still spectacularly high. It would also be good for us if you did it.

Thanks!

By Jean

If you work in the hospitality industry or are otherwise just a nosey person, the Lewishams have announced its finalists and you can vote for them HERE. As always, there are a few wild pulls and a few that may make you go, ‘Huh, really?’ Except just remember that these awards are not for everyday punters and go about your day.

Horse meat pies ARE BACK in Pakuranga and so is the fun social media discourse around the morals of eating horse meat, which usually boils down to variations of either, “If you can eat cow, you can eat a horse” and “This is New Zealand, goddamnit!”.

Namu Group’s Honeymoon Ave, its matcha bar on Ponsonby Rd, has followed its other establishments into liquidation after a short five month run. It is currently closed. Unsure whether it's the broader group’s fault or if people really just aren’t that into $14 matcha.

My favourite crepe place in the city, Yours Crepefully, has shuttered its kiosk on Queen St and moved itself to Noa Hotel in Epsom. I will miss my $8 sweet treat.

Australians ARE ALSO REACTING BADLY to the prices at Woolworths.

THINGS YOU SHOULD TRY

Not-a-restaurant edition

A cake from MICHELLE YOUNG BAKERY
As mentioned in the intro, we had the pandan and coconut cake for a late birthday celebration, which was swirled with gula melaka and topped with cubes of coconut pudding. A very nostalgic flavour for Malaysians. Her other cakes look good too, particularly the taro oolong and hojicha fig. Delivery avail! 

A bag of beans from MAEVE
I am weirdly enamoured with the shiny metallic packaging from Maeve, a roastery on Anzac Rd, whose pixelly branding reminds me of local fashion label Rhoda Nunn. Silver accents are very chic, plus the beans inside are delicious too! I got the Kenya Tatu Peaberry. 

A glass of wine from BARE WINE
This is the sort of wine bar that doesn’t have a list, so they bring you a few bottles you may like and provide generous tasters. I feel as if I received nearly an entire glass of wine over four tasters. Also while we were dining there, a French-speaking family came in and since it was also underground with zero street signage, it all felt quite continental. They serve fries and escargot.

—

Reminder: Saturday is Anzac Day so Monday is a holiday. On Saturday retail shops are meant to be shut till 1pm but service places like your hairdresser can open. Hospitality can act normal through the whole thing.

Choice items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

POST-IT NOTES
Current bid $15, Closes Monday
A bulk lot of 78 pads of Post-Its, which should be 7,800 individual sticky notes. Once I believed that I had contracted nits, told some people I worked with, then went for lunch. When I came back, my desk had 30 post-it notes on it each with a single bug drawn on each one.

SCREEN PRINTING SCREENS
Current bid $10, Closes Monday
Sometimes a good way through a recessionary period is making bootleg fashion items and selling them at markets and other places where you can quickly pack up and leg it. You will also need THIS STUFF.

80 HEART-SHAPED USB STICKS
Current bid $15, Closes Monday
This bulk lot of 1GB USB sticks offers many chances to be romantic, or alternately a novel way to distribute unsolicited pics of your anatomy to colleagues.

NINJA SWIRL ICE CREAM MACHINE
Current bid $291, Closes Tuesday
I’ve got one of these, but mine doesn’t have the soft serve spout. It’s surprisingly rewarding if you are the type to enjoy experimenting with flavours and not minding if it's a total disaster.

INSTAX MINI GIFT PACK
Current bid $55, Closes Tuesday
Taking a photo of the photos that come out of this thing with your phone and uploading them to instagram always works and makes it look like you are having a different kind of fun to everyone else.

BULK LOT OF SOFT MINIONS
Current bid $10, Closes Wednesday
They have started processing the Miniso store liquidations so if you are in the market for huge amounts of cute stuff and bargain prices this is YOUR TIME TO SHINE.

By Mike

Auckland is bigger than many people believe. It’s been 15 years since the population surpassed 1.5 million and currently there are some 1.85m of us. According to a RECENT PROJECTION from Stats NZ, we’re on track to hit 2m in 2033. While it’s an arbitrary milestone, crossing the two million mark feels significant and is suggestive of a future city with more stature, one more attractive to migrants who, critically, counterbalance the decline in natural growth as the population ages. 43% of Aucklanders were born overseas, twice the rate of the rest of the country, and this multicultural makeup is surely one of its most compelling aspects, not least as reflected in the diversity of restaurant cuisines we know and love (apart from you, Shane Jones).

Projections as things stand show that the CBD and central suburbs will be some of the slowest growing areas over the coming decades. Anxiety over sprawl and traffic is understandable when Rodney, Papakura and Franklin local boards are predicted to grow at up to twice the average rate for the rest of the city, but there’s time yet for the push to densify the inner city to play out. Density creates vibrancy and the appeal of Tāmaki, the place desired by many, will only increase as we become more connected.

By Simon

FRIDAY 24TH

THE WEED EATERS IN 4D
The Hollywood, $25
The hardest working movie in New Zealand is back in Auckland after its tour of the country and is doing a special 4D presentation for the comedy festival with cast and crew, with the director DJing, drink specials and a vegan sausage sizzle. I understand the extra D is smell. The tour continues to the Academy and Rialto this week if you’d prefer it to be less invasive.

BENNY SALVADOR
Double Whammy $26
Wellington’s finest up for what should be a fun show sprawling between house, techno and disco-funk. Support from Carlotta and the omnipresent Christoph El Truento.

PATRICK LUNDBERG, AUGUST WARD
Ivan Anthony, Free
I have always, and will continue to, love Patrick Lundberg’s tiny and colourful fussy sculptures. (Editor’s note: And Jean likes August Ward!). Runs till May 30.

SATURDAY 25TH

SELINA ERSHADI, THE BLUE DOME
Artspace, Free
Cringe fave Selina Ershadi (a video-and-other-stuff artist) shows new work developed during recent trips between Tehran and here. Runs till July 4.

ARMAGEDDON EXPO
Auckland Showgrounds, From $30
Much like the ASB Open, the Armageddon Expo seems to be doing a better job of attracting proper stars every edition. For this one our main selfie target is Cringe’s Visiting Hottie of the Week, Manny Jacinto (The Good Place). 

BLACK DYNAMITE
The Hollywood, $25
Michael Jai White is here! For Armageddon but is also going to be at the Hollywood doing a Q&A with Ant Timpson following this showing of his amazing 2009 Blaxploitation spoof. 

SPEKTRUM BY HARDPHORIA
Neck of the Woods, $20
Eight hard-techno DJs, mostly from overseas, mostly from Australia, and mostly playing back to back sets. Looks hectic, extremely uptempo and super stimmy — not unlike how some people have explained Ritalin to me — but if you’re in the mood for that, it’s going to be perfect.

SUNDAY 26TH

MISS UNIVERSE NEW ZEALAND: SASHING EVENT
TADA studio, $45
‘A simple yet intimate afternoon of glamour, sisterhood!’ where you can go and watch the finalists get their wee sashes after they are announced online on Saturday night. Runs for an hour from 3 till 4pm and the host asks that you wear cocktail dress and casual attire – NO GOWNS PLEASE – I’m assuming so you don’t accidentally upstage the Misses, like wearing white to someone else’s wedding. Hosted by Miss Universe New Zealand 2013, Holly Michelle Cassidy, and Miss Universe New Zealand 2016 Tania Pauline Howe!

LEAO FUNDRAISER
Double Whammy, $20
LEAO are going to Europe and are looking to raise some bucks. Support from Greatsouth, Motte and E.T.NO.HOME.

MONDAY 27TH

PRINCESS CHELSEA & THE DREAM WARRIORS
And Tuesday, The Apartment, $30
I’m not sure any other local performer puts as much thought and effort into their weirdo live shows as Princess Chelsea, and presumably this two night micro-residency in a Karanagahape Rd apartment will be no exception. Support from Half Sister on Monday and The EE Machine on Tuesday.

WEDNESDAY 29TH

TAITE PRIZE
NZICC, $40
I’m fairly certain this is the first time they’ve ever sold tickets to this so if you’re not normally invited you can now go and ask them why. We are semi-reliably informed that last year’s winners will be playing, which would likely mean Mokotron and Byllie-Jean. Fingers crossed for nominee Chris Cudby who very nicely sent a Top 5 Live Bands list for our Cringe Index.

TOSHIKI SOEJIMA
Double Whammy, $80
Touring legendary Japanese guitarist.

MASAYOSHI TAKANAKA
Town Hall, $95
Touring legendary Japanese guitarist.
I cannot be the only person that finds this suspicious. Is it just the same guy with an alter-ego double dipping, or an insane promoter vendetta designed to split the Japanese virtuoso guitarist audience.