Issue No49 — Pumpin' Iron

For two dogged and expensive years I have been a gym member. There’s nothing special about this – ask Aucklanders what they’ve done this week and it's likely a gym session (or five) will come up. My mom’s at pump, my dad’s at spin, my bff is at HITT, and my fancy friends are being pushed to lift heavier by their PTs. I’d say that in our city, you’re never further than 1km from a gym – my friend, a CityFitness member, has three sites within cycling distance from her house to choose from when she wants to sweat. At last count, in February 2025, there were almost 500 gyms across the Auckland region, about 40% of the 1,263 nationwide. This isn’t the way it’s always been – in 2000, there were just 336 gyms in New Zealand. 

I would die rather than describe my gym-going as a hobby, despite it being the thing I pay to do in my leisure time. My activities there are abstracted simulations of reality. I run towards a brick wall without actually moving. I lift objects that are designed only to be lifted. I imitate the action of rowing, and a flywheel whirrs. My favorite is the SkiErg, where I tippy toe, grab onto two handles on ropes, and pull them down, as if they’re ski poles and I’m on crack. Recently I was lying on my back holding a barbell up while a five-minute remix of Get Ready For This sloshed into my brain, uninvited. The thing about un-real activities is that they’re mind-numbingly boring. We push on because repetitive sets are sold to us as the path to biceps, and because the endocannabinoids, endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin come flooding in. Who doesn't want to be ripped and happy?

Two months ago my gym increased my weekly fee. I’ve since felt resentful of the ugly building, with its bad lighting, and horrible music taking up space in my life. There’s a new edge of hatred to my mind-numbed boredom. The gym, once a place to work hard, achieve goals, and feel healthy, has become a monstrous factory in my mind. Time and resources are being pumped in, cogs, belts and drums are turning, and nothing but sharp white light is spat out. 

While smelling hundreds of sweaty feet as I press into child’s pose, I think about all the energy expended there and all the other things it could be doing. What if the path to being ripped and happy was play instead of work? The 2,000 steps on the StairMaster could have taken me up Maungawhau, where I can see the sweep of suburbs and remember different homes and lives I’ve had in the city. The chest press could have been playing airplane with my friend's little baby, and hearing squeals of delight. I could have hired a kayak and explored the coastline instead of pulling the handle of the stupid rowing machine. The $30 a week could have been spent on materials for all those crafts I saved on Instagram. 

And yet, in Auckland, convenience and vanity win. I’ll be at pump tomorrow, loading an extra plate onto my barbell, bored as hell, all for a pair of nice arms.

Gabi Lardies is a writer, editor and designer who was born in Auckland Women's Hospital to Argentinian parents. Currently she edits national arts website THE BIG IDEA, freelances for New Zealand Geographic, designs books when people ask her to, and appears at events like Night Mayors and Auckland Writers Festival. She once wanted abs, then realised the price is not right.

By Jean

NEW OPENINGS

There’s a new corn-themed restaurant called KERNEL at 2-38 Nuffield St, Newmarket. I’m serious. Sweet corn ice cream, corn juice, pancakes, plus savoury dishes like braised pork on rice (which I believe is served with a little corn rib). Life can be so whimsical and fun. 

KHOI, a new Vietnamese restaurant, is opening next Monday 24 August in one of the old Le Chef spaces on Vulcan Lane. They’ll be running some opening specials, so bring a friend – day 1, get free pho with any main, day 2, get a free banh mi with any main. 

Cassia is scheduled to open in its new spot at 58 Albert St on 1 September, “a light, bright two-level space designed by Gerrick Numan of Millé, seating up to 120 guests, with three private dining rooms and a refreshed menu combining the Cassia dishes people know and love with new flavours.”

NEWS & EVENTS

If you find yourself at a loss on Friday night, you could head to Eden Park and eat at a variety of food trucks as part of TUNNEL CLUB EATS. It is apparently held in the historic tunnels which are usually closed to the public and you can meet “All Blacks legend Ian Jones”, although I’m not sure that will mean much to the average Cringe reader (I have personally never heard of this man in my life).

Don’t forget to book your spot at Sam Low’s pop-up dinner at MR MORRIS this Saturday. Sturgeon Valley caviar will make an appearance, I believe. 

Long Table is popping up at PARABLE HOUSE again this Sunday for brunchy treats.

Of all the Bear Gelato restaurant collabs, I’m most sad to miss this one: a pizza scoop inspired by OOH-FA. Tomato sorbet with fior di latte gelato, a drizzle of olive oil and cracked black pepper. I want that.

By Mike

It’s an easy trap to fall into: one minute you’re wondering how that second harbour crossing should work, and the next you look up to find YOU’VE SPENT $106M ON CONSULTANTS WITHOUT COMING TO ANY CONCLUSION, resulting in the announcement of yet another business case study to be delivered some time next year. Could this forthcoming report be the final and operative one in a series that dates back 40 years to the late 1980s? Perhaps, but with an election between now and then, and despite pledges of bipartisanship which acknowledge the need for continuity in infrastructure planning, the appeal of giving the can one more kick to avoid the downside risk of making an irrevocable, multi-billion dollar decision might just be too great for whoever comes next.

Any such concerns haven’t stopped the current lot green-lighting far less critical projects that no one is asking for, however. The Government has spent years insisting that tens of billions ought to be committed to their alleged “Roads of National Significance”, a group which, bafflingly, does not include the busiest section of the most economically vital road in the country: State Highway 1 over the Waitematā. While the fantasy of spending up to $50 billion of money we don’t have on RoNS with extremely weak net benefits have for now been curtailed to a mere $3.65B – excluding 25 years of public-private partnership gouging that could end up costing this much again – for a four-lane, 26km stretch from Warkworth to Te Hana, this cavalier approach couldn’t contrast more with the timidity shown towards the new harbour connection. And unlike most of the RoNS, everyone agrees that something does in fact need to be done: the bridge’s capacity, age and maintenance are becoming increasingly problematic, and dedicated public transport crossings are sorely needed. With every passing year the costs mount up, but, as with so much in our politics, the vision and decisiveness needed to tackle hard but critical problems is dissipated across a series of stunts and sideshows. Auckland, and Aotearoa, deserves better.

Choice items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

TOWEL WARMER WITH TOWELS
Current bid $10, Closes Monday
A Silverdale hair salon has gone under which means for $10 (at the moment) you have the opportunity to offer guests a hot towel when they arrive at your house or office desk.

BULK LOT OF HAIR SUPPLIES
Current bid $25, Closes Monday
The fun cabinet from the above hairdressers with 80 pieces of salon-grade hair dyes, shampoos and ephemera. It’ll probably take a few trial runs on neighbourhood kids to get it right but somewhere in here is a new you.

TOLV POME SOFA
Current bid $520, Closes Tuesday
Nice looking three seater from a Dawson & Co liquidation. Be warned: The first picture is green and delightful but the actual thing is grey (but still quite nice). RRP $5,589 which is punchy IMO.

THE AUCKLAND GREYHOUND RACING CLUB STUFF
Closes Friday week
If you have lovingly housed one of the recently unemployed greyhounds but it’s taking a while to settle in you could place some of the stuff from its old workplace around the house so it feels more at home. Alternately, as far as I can tell the new law only bans commercial dog racing and gambling on it, so if you wanted you could use this stuff to set up a non-commercial track and invite all the other old racing dogs round for get-togethers and recreational racing.

COMMERCIAL PACKAGING
Closes Friday week
If you are running a business that sells takeaway food or drinks, there are thousands upon thousands of cartons, containers, bags, trays and packs here going for a song.

By Simon

THURSDAY 20TH

OPEN LATE
Auckland Art Gallery, Free
From 5:30 till 9:30, the gallery will be open with a bar, food trucks, a photo booth celebrating Chinese valentines day and Gene Rivers, Louisa Nicklin, Taylah and Coco Solid (who has new music coming out tomorrow!). If you haven’t seen Forever Tomorrow: Chinese Art Now yet, it’ll be cheap at $10 during this and it’s coming down soon.

TYPE HERE 3
AUT, Free
Poster competition/exhibit for the graphic designers, partially organised by the winner of Type Here 1, Cringe intro writer, and holder of a huge amount of going-away events, Kaan Hiini. I went last year and there was quite good cheese and crackers but the table they were on was set up on was right in the doorway so I felt very exposed while I was helping myself, but they were moreish and I was hungry and I couldn’t stop and sadly as a result I won’t be showing my face there this year.

FRISK LAUNCH EVENT
Lamplight, Free
Launch event for Jo Bragg’s debut collection of poetry and imagery. We’re told there will be catering by Lamplight which is normally excellent.

HALFQUEEN PLAYS MADONNA
Goblin, Free
Halfqueen is the only New Zealander known to have frenched Madonna so probably has some unique insight here. 

FRIDAY 21ST

SONDA TAKEOVER
Mothership, $20
Afrobeat, amapiano, hip hop, rnb and baile edits with the Katayanagi twins, Melanin Mami and Shyne from Australia and Mala and John Bulay.

MAGIC FACTORY
Whammy, $20
Release show for their new EP, Wild Times. Support from folky balladeers Big Sur and The Thoughtful Boys which looks like a new incarnation of Barnie Duncan and Matthew Crawly.

KAVA AND KAWAKAWA
Neck of the Woods, $30
Big show with Illish.T, Melodownz, Takatapunani, Caru and Brandn Shiraz and 2BREW. If you get the $40 ticket you also get two large shells of kava at Four Shells Kava Lounge before the show (from 5pm).

SATURDAY 22ND

KAHOA WORKSHOP WITH SIONE MONU
Te Oro Music and Arts Centre, Free
Learn about and make kahoa (Tongan garland necklaces) with the great Sione Monu! No booking needed, just show up, 10-1:30pm.

RUTH IGE
Te Uru, Free
A show of new paintings called The Evocation of Words from the Rydal Art Prize winner who remains deep in her blue period. Closes November 15. Opening alongside it is a spacey looking group show called The Crackling of the Sun curated by Anja Lückenkemper.

SONGS ABOUT FOOD
Te Oro, Free (I think)
Bilingual EP release party from dān dān with a seven piece band, a zine, a washing machine and a lot of other stuff. Come dressed as your favourite food.

FASHION WEEK AFTER PARTY
Reign & Pour/Dos Donkeys, $15
Last chance to dress up before it becomes ‘a bit much’ for another year. With Arii Jade, Dan Aux, Murray Sweetpants, Ethan James, ADAMS and Ksanova. If you are fashion week curious, Emma Gleason’s excellent CRUST should be the perfect place to check in with it tomorrow.

SIMULATION 10
Face Club, Free
Face club’s 10th birthday with tech/house star and PYRO’s number one DJ in all of China, DJ Sally! Also every $10 you spend on the bar will get you a token to play a loaded claw machine with expensive stuff like a MacBook in it.

SUNDAY 23RD

DITA VON TEESE - NOCTURNELLE
Aotea Centre, $100
Inspired by magicians of the nineteenth century, Von Teese will perform ‘high art stripscapes’!

A VERY LAUFEY DAY
Auckland Museum, Free
A special day for Laufey fans to go to the museum.

MONDAY 24TH

ALEX WARREN
Spark, From $150
Just a few resales still available for this show by Temu Ed Sheeran.

NOSFERATU
Academy, $15
QUICK FACT: all prints of this 1920s German expressionist silent film were ordered to be destroyed by a court due to it being a blatant rip-off of Bra Stoker’s Dracula. 

TUESDAY 25TH

THE MEETING
Basement, Koha
Lola Houghton in a one-woman farce about an overworked cleaner working around a top-secret meeting. Directed by Pedro Ilgenfritz. Runs till Saturday 29th

WEDNESDAY 26TH

PUBLIC SERVICE
Whammy, Free
Another one of these good free Wednesday shows at Whammy – this one with fuzz-poppers Emmanuelle and Dunedin indie-rockers Pearly*.