Issue No51 — Fathers Day

I spend a lot of time in the city on the prowl for the lucky winner to sire my daughter, Cordelia. I am what you’d call “all in” while also being pretty “out there”. As well as having my radar swivelling at all times, I set my “preferences” as far as the app permits, age-wise, height-wise and deity-wise.

I. Jacques invited me for “soft, sweet kisses in my caravan with a view of Rangitoto”. Apparently, my hair is the exact shade as his favourite free porn star. Anything for a compliment! Word of advice: if someone asks you if you’ve ever seen Braveheart, the right answer is yes. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself watching it with a side of ‘Mum’s Shepherd Pie’. Mum in this case being the mother of his children. We watched Braveheart on the floor; his apartment was very sparsely furnished, due to his belief that “comfort is for mediocre people”.

II. Do the same things, get the same results. So it was that I agreed to go spearfishing somewhere in the middle of the Hauraki Gulf with a man at 8am on Sunday, a time when I am often still awake from the night before. This man got very angry that I couldn't scale cliffs at speed. Resenting someone for the supple underside of their feet is not the future I want for Cordelia.

III. Next, I tried a tattoo artist who looked at my ghostly flesh with a lascivious eye. We met at The Tinted Rose. He had not missed one square centimetre to exhibit his skill, and I love a passionate man in this wishy-washy world. Alcoholism being genetic, I thought my daughter would love to have a father who owned a vineyard. A vineyard in Napa, no less. Alas, he told me he hoped I “wouldn’t be so brainy in real life”.

IV. Reminded of my “advanced age” by the candidate the night prior, it was time to be serious. Give me a Patrick or a Chris or a Dave in a nice blue shirt. Over dinner at Soul, Patrick asked if I would like to help him lose weight, and when I demurred, retorted, “I thought you seemed fun, based on the state of your filthy phone screen”. Admittedly, it isn’t the cleanest.

V. According to Warren, I’m a neat girl, even if I am “staggeringly tall” (I’m 5’8). 

VI. Between beers at Queens Rooftop, Killian asked what I would like to talk about. When I said, "Absolutely everything!”, he said I had clearly arrived “chronically underprepared to have this discussion”. He dodged a bullet. 

Time is of the essence, pertaining not so much to fertility as to mortality, as evinced by Dylan Thomas’s ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’. I would not be on such intimate terms with Dylan’s soul were it not for my own father. This rigorous cultural education is perhaps the reason I am having such an ordeal settling on Cordelia’s patron, as the bar is so goddamn sky high. Luckily, she is already guaranteed to be 50% wonderful. 

Happy Father’s Day to the fathers past, present and in the making. We wouldn’t be here without you.  

Holly Hart (surname negotiable) is a rudimentary astrologer, accomplished flirt, and practitioner of left-handed driving. She is an ally of stray cats worldwide. By day, she peddles the written word.

By Jean

NEW OPENINGS

There’s a new cafe at 566 Great North Rd, Grey Lynn, called CAFE SAINTS, run by Georgia van Prehn (previous head chef at Mr Morris, Alta). It looks like there’s plenty of sandwiches on the menu – classic chicken with tarragon ranch, carrot lox with cashew caper cream, deli meats – and juice. And sweet pies!

A helpful reader, Laura, emailed in to let us know about this new banh mi spot in the city which she described as “pretty damn good”. It’s called HABITS at 238 Queen St.

COMING SOON

The rumour mill from last week has been confirmed – Ragtag is, indeed, OPENING A SECOND SITE at the old Madame George site on Karangahape Rd. 

Some of us who love sports bars (not Jean) believe Auckland should have better ones and are interested in SPORTS & REC from Star Group (which is getting massive) - looks like it’s opening in Sylvia Park next week.

EVENTS + NEWS

The STREET FOOD AWARDS are on this Saturday, with sixteen finalists competing for the big title. You can help decide the winner by “voting with your fork”. Tickets are $12, which includes a drink token.

You can sample the food of my people at the JOM MALAYSIA FESTIVAL on Saturday at Takapuna’s Anzac Square. I would absolutely kill for a decent char kway teow right now (still yet to be found in the city of Wellington, which claims it has the best Malaysian food but I would counter).

Soon Lee’s restaurant award venn diagram IS BACK.

By Mike

Central government and Council have a fractious relationship, yoked together by necessity but often diverging in priorities, and at times failing to agree even upon that which they have formally agreed to agree. Despite the acrimony, and surprisingly, given the Government’s fixation on commissioning implausibly expensive roads, both sides appear to have acknowledged that the era of motorway expansion in Auckland is at an end. The recently released AUCKLAND MOTORWAY STRATEGIC PLAN, BLURBED POSITIVELY BY BOTH BISHOP AND BROWN, outlines a shared vision for the next 30 years that focuses on optimising what we have and prioritising improvements across transport modes, rather than making more room for cars. It may have taken several generations, but the reality that adding more lanes induces demand for more driving, and hence more congestion, has finally been accepted by the political class.

The other congestion axiom is that you’re not stuck in traffic, you are the traffic. Tāmaki’s drivers waste 17 hours a year of each other’s time not moving, to everyone’s collective frustration. Last week Council approved for public consultation three scenarios of time-of-use charging, suggesting that by 2030 or so driving into the city centre will cost between $2 to $7, depending on the extent of the solution selected. We can expect a similar story arc here as seen in London, New York and other cities: fear, uncertainty and doubt from the vocally opposed in the lead up; grudging acceptance once implemented; followed by widespread support and a sense of why-didn’t-we-do-this-sooner as the benefits bed in. The money collected will be ring-fenced to transport improvements generally, but the specifics of who and what will be funded remain vague. Given the need for alternatives to driving, perhaps there might be the opportunity to accelerate the development of the Northwest Busway from Brigham Creek near Westgate into Ian McKinnon Drive in Newton? Despite the raging success of the Northern Busway and recent “fast-track” approval, based on current plans its 18 kilometres are not likely to be completed for an extremely dispiriting 20 years.

Choice items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

MIKO MINI AI ROBOT
Current bid $25, Closes Monday
Ugly little device that will talk to and teach your children for you so you can concentrate on Instagram reels in peace.

SHIATSU FOOT MASSAGER
Current bid $45, Closes Monday
Seems to simulate the feeling of someone rubbing their hot little thumbs in a circular motion on the soles of your feet without you having to worry about how your feet seem to the person doing it.

ROLEX SUBMARINER
Current bid $1,100, Closes tonight
From the police auction, not authenticated and the bezel looks like it has suffered some violence at about the 36 minute mark on the dial, but if it’s redeemable and real this could be a steal (potentially for the second time).

MORE RECORDS FROM FLYING OUT
From $10, Closes next Friday
Looks like they found some more stuff from the Flying Out liquidation - currently the most bid on/most expensive item is a vinyl copy of Bob Marley Legend - don’t go changin’ New Zealand.

COMMERCIAL AUDIO EQUIPMENT
From $20, Closes Tuesday 15th
Public Sound Company in Tauranga has gone under and all their speakers, desks, amps, roadcases, cabling and other stuff is here and going pretty cheap. If you have a venue, touring company or a mobile reggae sound system it’s probably worth a look!

By Simon

THURSDAY 3RD

WYNN HAMLYN SAMPLE SALE
Till Sunday, 90 Anzac Ave
Last chance to grab something before they close up shop forever!

FIRST THURSDAYS
Karangahape Rd, Free
Monthly, noisy event on Krd with DJs all over the place, comedy at Crushes, restaurant activations, and a Dolly Parton karaoke evening at Open Late hosted by Blaise Clotworthy from Pride! 

JOB
Q Theatre, $60
A new show from Silo by Max Wolf Friedlich about a content moderator getting a psych eval to see if she can go back to work. I fear there will be horrific revelations. With Olivia Tennet and Stephen Lovatt.

PLASMAPHONIC FUTURE ORCHESTRA
Audio Foundation, $25
14 piece, horn-heavy group playing art-jazz with Rosie Langebeer playing a saw, Neil Feather on a ‘former guitar’ and, intriguingly, Tae Kyung Seo on ‘action’ and Stephen Bain on ‘setting’.

ARTIST TALK
RM gallery, Free
Group show Cosmic Punchline is coming down on Sunday, so here’s a last chance to go see it while the artists responsible explain themselves. With Matthew Cowan, Jack Hadley, Jana Müller, Elisabeth Pointon and the owner of one of Cringe’s favourite art-names, Prairie Hatchard-McGill.

FRIDAY 4TH

PARIS GEORGIA SAMPLE SALE
Till Sunday, 1 Melrose St
Deals on clothes for people with a lot of body confidence.

REAL ESTATE FIGHT NIGHT
Ellerslie Event Centre, $85
Seriously: Real estate agents fight for your entertainment.

HIATUS KAIYOTE
Powerstation, $80
Jazzy Australian progressive RnB band touring to celebrate 15 years together and for what it’s worth I’ve really enjoyed seeing their pinball themed gig poster around for the past month or so - really, really good. Support from Crystal Chen.

CINDY ALBUM RELEASE PARTY
Whammy, $26
Release party for their long-time-coming debut album The Way I Do. Support from Community Treatment Order and Slow Rage.

PAIGE JULIA
Neck of the Woods, $40
Christchurch Drum & Bass Producer and DJ blowing back through town after a winter abroad. With support from Dylan C, Fox Glove and Sleazy C with visuals/lighting from Hexiis and Pareidolia Visuals.

SATURDAY 5TH

RHYTHM & DANCE
Town Hall, From $35
The NZSO making a rare appearance in Auckland, with Gemma New conducting a big, jazzy programme with John Adams’ The Chairman Dances, Copland’s Clarinet Concerto, and the local premiere of Gabriela Ortiz’s Antrópolis with the Symphonic Dances from West Side Story in the second half. 

PUNK AT ACHO’S
Acho’s, Free
Free punk show with W0MAN, Groopchat and Distracted.

DEVIL’S BALLROOM 2026
Double Whammy, $80
Last ever edition of this sort of gothic, burlesque ball hosted by sword-swallowing goth, Rachel Winter Hase with DJ Sharkra, a huge number of stage and gogo performers and interactive installations from Misstress Dior and Boris Van Galvin.

SUNDAY 6TH

WARNING: FATHERS DAY

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA
The Hollywood, $15
One of the best dad-films and a timely reminder that all the Middle East needs to get sorted out is an overeducated, effete Englishman.

AFTERBALL PLAY READING
Silo Hall, Koha
Table reading of Afterball, a new play by Nahyeon Lee, about sex and loathing in Remuera, directed by Shane Bosher.

HANNAH EVERINGHAM
Whammy, $30
Auckland leg of the album release tour for Big Surprise which was partly recorded at Margaret Mahy’s old house!

WEDNESDAY 9TH

MANAGING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
TVNZ, Free
If I worked at TVNZ and given the endless rounds of redundancies they put their staff through, I would find the hosting of this event at my work a bit disconcerting.

SHANNON TE AO
Coastal Signs, Free
A new collection of photos from Wellington’s finest entitled sisters. Runs till October 10.