Issue No56 — Fro No

Over the last few months I’ve been looking at Auckland from afar through a tiny phone screen, and I’m not loving what I’m seeing. Any euphoria induced by the City Rail Link has been diluted by the return of the frozen yoghurt plague. Please fix this immediately.

If you’re reading this newsletter, it is likely that you lived through the KiwiYo/Yoghurt Story hysteria of the early 2010s and have some memory of it happening to you, a close relative, or other type of loved one (such as a high school frenemy who recently added you on LinkedIn to soft-launch their desire to reconnect). Now that the froyo craze has come back to haunt a new generation of youth, I feel compelled to come out and say that I think it is evil. Part of that may have to do with the fact I was a complete loser when I was fourteen and had few friends. The other part is that I have good taste. 

Yesterday, I watched in horror as someone confessed to the camera they spent $27 on their pot of yin-yang yoghurt and array of toppings – a Frankenstein creation which they waited almost an hour in line for. Let me remind you what else $27 can buy you in this economy. For $27, you can get sticky mango rice from Kiin Thai (now in season), with enough left over for a bubble tea. You could get three kkwabaegi from Small Mercies. You could watch a critically acclaimed film (or panned, in the case of Digger) at a fancy cinema, like the Silky Otter. You could get an entire bowl of ramen. You could play Dance Dance Revolution 13 times. You could go to the Auckland Zoo (if you pre-book). You could take the train to Hamilton, almost – a whole different city!

I have, historically, been against assigning morality to food, but in this specific case I think that ice cream is heaven and froyo is hell (or “The Bad Place” for other annoying millennials out there). That’s the dairy-dessert binary. Froyo is a masquerade, a thinly-sketched parody. Ice cream – or gelato – is a reflection of expertise: flavour innovation subjected to hours and hours of development and recipe testing, of adjusting ratios and technique. It has depth, texture. This is evident in the final product, which, when executed to its heights, can make me believe it’s been crafted by the best of mankind. In comparison frozen yoghurt is just tasteless nothing papered over by Pistachio Papi and gummy bears (a diabolical combination, but somehow legal and allowed, and exactly my point: no one should be trusted to make these decisions). 

People of Tāmaki Makaurau, do not be fooled. You don’t need to wait in line for your disappointing bowl of disparate things. You don’t need to get to the weighing station and be hoodwinked into spending $25, just because you got carried away when faced with an abundance of free will. Step away from the vanilla pea protein and scoopable cookie dough. Everything will be okay. 

Love,
Jean

Jean is the editor of this newsletter. She sincerely hopes that all you frozen yoghurt freaks out there are able to receive this tongue-in-cheek criticism with good grace and humour, but who knows? You like frozen yoghurt, after all. De gustibus non est disputandum; there is no accounting for taste.

By Jean

NEW OPENINGS

Speaking of gelato, Little Lato has OPENED IN OREWA and opens in Milford as well on Saturday.

There’s a new bakery in Newmarket, J2, with a mix of classic pastries like croissants and some that lean more Asian (sweet soft breads stuffed with meat; egg tarts; pineapple buns; coffee buns).

New all-day restaurant NOVA NINE opened yesterday on Vulcan Lane in the old Le Chef space, however its liquor licence is pending according to the apologetic note on the door.

In an unexpected development, Maggie Bakery on Dominion Rd has opened two KARAOKE ROOMS upstairs.

EVENTS + NEWS

A new matcha pop-up, HOMU MATCHA, is on all month during the weekends, till 25 October at Mowai Espresso (in Grey Lynn). Varieties include peanut cream matcha/hojicha, peach oolong matcha, and more. 

Chow Luck Club’s EATROPOLIS is this Saturday at Shed 10. Tickets are $10 and plates of food from different venues are set at a flat fee of $10 each. It is unclear to me what the size of this festival is (there’s only 28 vendors on the website), but if you’re curious, go forth.

Hello Beasty is HOSTING some winemakers on Wednesday and Thursday next week, accompanied by small plates (that they’re calling dim sum, but I think this just means small plates rather than actual dim sum). Winemakers include Scout, Alpine, Moko Hills, Neudorf and more.

CLOSINGS

Nol Bu Ne in the Choice Plaza HAS CLOSED! It used to be an absolute staple for me as a university student when it was in that more purgatorial space upstairs. Dosirock in Chancery Square and the Sapphire Club on Fort Lane have also closed and according to Chow Luck Club the Sunrise Cafe space in Newmarket is up for lease.

By Mike

The spurious precision of a ranked list is hard to look past – we can’t help but feel that first place is much more significant than second or third, even when the difference is negligible, and sorting "the best" of a diverse category can smooth away meaningful distinctions. It may not make a lot of sense to rank the world’s top 1000 cities, but it’s great marketing for selling consultancy services to local governments, and, despite the incoherency, still somehow gratifying to see Auckland well inside the top 10% at number 60, according to OXFORD ECONOMICS’ 2026 GLOBAL CITIES INDEX. Well done us, coming ahead of such comparables as Istanbul (64) & Montreal (62) and hot on the heels of Utrecht (54) & Riyadh (50)! Apparently, our key comparative strength is the quality of our governance – in third place globally – as opposed to our quality of life (a sobering 232nd). Now that Auckland Council has "taken back control" of AT’s transport decision-making from 1 October, conveniently timed to bask in the glory of the successful CRL launch, it's surely not long until we overtake Copenhagen and Aarhus to top this keenly contested metric.

Whether it’s really such a killer move for politicians to forego plausible deniability and officially be on the hook for Tāmaki’s traffic and rail replacement buses is debatable, but it hasn’t stopped Wayne Brown from embracing the new responsibilities with alacrity. He's been out on the streets with his “Quick Fix” campaign to have the public report minor irritations, spryly painting over a rogue parking space in New North Rd. Perhaps it’s not entirely coincidental that New York’s Zohran Mamdani implemented a similar policy earlier in August? There might be a few more tricks yet that those in charge of number 60 could learn from the much-admired leader of number 1.

Choice items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

THE FINAL JB HIFI INSURANCE AUCTION
Closes Monday
Finally it’s all over. Here are the odds and ends.

ALL THE STUFF FROM DARLING ON DRAKE
Closes Monday
They weren’t open that long so it’s all in pretty good nick and there’s some quite nice outdoor furniture if you’re looking to zhuzh up your outdoor area for the summer.

ALL THE STUFF FROM BURGER BURGER PONSONBY
Closes next Thursday
Everything you need to open your own burger bar just in time for the Greens to sweep into power, nationalise the nation’s farms, logistics and supermarkets - making mince basically free and saving the hamburger industry.

ENCHANTICA AUTUMN WIZARD
Current bid $10, Closes Tuesday
For some reason there’s a whole bunch of incredibly detailed wizards for auction at Thorntons and this one is particularly good and posed perfectly to feature in any unsolicited but creatively interesting dick pics you might be planning on sending.

By Simon

THURSDAY 8TH

TOM DE PLUME
Goblin, $20
Tom De Plume is the pen name of Tom Healy, who has worked alongside many artists in a more backline/production capacity and is now stepping out front - his first song, Jaywalking, is out now! Also DJing tonight, intergenerational lesbians for change, Chloe Swarbrick and Lynda Topp.

EM PHASES
The Apartment, $15
A strong night for pun names continues with Em (Emily Wheatcroft-Snape - would have been a shoe-in for the Cringe Art Name of the Week award if she’d gone into painting) celebrating the release of her debut album Phases. Band is on at 8:30 then everyone listens to the album together at 9.

FRIDAY 9TH

GROUP ADMITS MISTAKE
Artspace, Free
Chartwell commissions show with a title ripped straight from the pages of The Onion and new work from Lolani Dalosa, Ken Faber, Lily Grieg, Ton Ray and Rangi White. Runs till 19 December.

MODEL
Mercury Lane Alleyway, $20
Release show for their new EP, A Child Swimming in the Mercury Lane Alleyway (it’s getting warm again!) with support from RARU and Groopchat and nice David-Carsony poster art.

KINA:SUTTSU
Audio Foundation, $18
Japanese noise artist who uses samplers, electronics and soprano saxophone to create works in response to her immediate environment so it’ll be interesting to see how she deals with working in the basement of Parisian Ties and Belts. Support from Soft Rock and Monsterwitch.

MARIANO MELLINO
Mothership, $75
Pricey but popular touring Argentinian DJ and producer of Progressive House and Melodic Techno, with support from Axel Ojeda, Max De Sousa and Ramz V.

SATURDAY 10TH

PICASSO
Auckland Art Gallery, $30
Now that we are through all the conversations about separating the art from the artist it’s finally ok to enjoy the choices Picasso made in his personal life without having to condone his art

SEEDLING SALE AND GARDEN PARTY
Kelmarna Farm, Free
Tomatoes, chilli, cucumbers, zucchini, leafy greens and more plus coffee, baking, music, a sausage sizzle and games. Easily the most wholesome activity of the week.

MAKERS MARKET
And Sunday, Goodform, Free
The third edition of the beloved bi-annual design showcase with 17 participating furniture, textile, object and jewellery designers announced so far!

ALL BLACKS v AUSTRALIA
Eden Park, $100
My favourite part of the Dave Rennie era is how every time things start going badly, he starts blinking uncontrollably and the TV cameras immediately cut to the coach’s box so we can all watch him doing it. Best NZR hire in years.

CINDY AND WARM LEATHER
Achos, Koha
Garage-punk/art-noise show for those looking for something cheap and noisy on a Saturday. 

FLAMINGO PIER
The Hollywood, $48
Local post-Jamiroqai falsetto-funksters with an album release show for Woven Together. With Frank Booker and the Haineses.

DOG MUSIC PRESENTS - MISSING!
Whammy, $25
Gig of the week! Excellent genre-crawling bill with Fishing, Nicky by Nicky, everybodies, Takatapunani and a DJ set from ilish.

NYMPHO NANO
Neck of the Woods, $10
Major line up for this minor Nympho with 2che, Musa, Odious, Intersekt and Gumhoe.

SUNDAY 11TH

GILSONS
Double Whammy, $100
Brazilian MPB/samba trio made entirely up out of the offspring of Gilberto Gil. Summery.

TUESDAY 13TH

TEMPO DANCE FESTIVAL
Till next Sunday, All over the place
27 events across the city for the 25th edition of the Tempo Festival - OUR PICKS: DARK! DARK! DARK! at the Town Hall, BODIES at Casette 9, TŌRUA at the new train stations, BODY STORY 0.25 at Objectspace and they are showing Flashdance at the Academy. Really good programme!

WEDNESDAY 14TH

LOVE LETTERS TO THE ‘BURBS
Objectspace, Free
An accompaniment to the current city fringe show at Objectspace, six architects and/or architecture apologists pitch their favourite Auckland suburbs with 10 minutes and 10 slides each. With Jade Kake, Oscar Mardell, Raphaela Rose, Salene Schloffel-Armstrong, Stuart Houghton and Oliver Ray-Choudhuri. 

JACQUELINE FRASER
Lett Thomas, Free
Looks like a show of new collage works from the long time Lett Thomas exhibitor, called The Making of Cleo de Cinq a Sept 2026. Runs till November 14.

RANGI KIPA
Melanie Roger, Free
One week show of three carvings and accompanying photographs to coincide with Kipa’s participation in the Lyon Biennale. Artists reception for the show on Saturday from 3-5pm and it all comes down on the 23rd.

SALOME TANUVASA
Tim Melville, Free
Really good painter and always getting better IMO.