Issue No60 — Pigeon Coup

I am so pigeon-pilled right now. In my dreams I have a pigeon cooing in each fist. I opened my Instagram on Halloween morning and saw every person I know post the six-metre inflatable pigeon on the rooftop of Karangahape Rd store Crushes, looming over us like some sort of god, or God themselves. I felt an immediate kinship to Giant Pigeon (GP), like they’d been there all along, staring at us with beady-eyed benevolence while we waited impatiently to cross the road. You have all the time in the world, the pigeon seems to be saying. Good things come to those who wait. Hot chips come to those who are patient.

Pretty much every single country in the world has pigeons, and yet somehow they are still so unique to Auckland. They are like air. Every city’s air belongs to them, like our pigeons belong to us. I used to work in an office in the La Gonda Building next to St Kevin’s Arcade, and we had pigeons that nested just outside our windows, which meant that our capitalist labours were frequently accompanied by a constant deep trilling, pure and unburdened. We’d know it was about to start by the loud flap of wings before they landed. Soon enough, when they weren’t there, I started to wonder where they had gone. Where was our personal pigeon symphony?

For some reason, I thought of these pigeons as separate to the ones who would terrorise me in the Lim Chhour Food Court, although they were probably one and the same. You need to be strategic about which table you choose there, because if you sit too close to a railing, then you are asking to be stalked by a pigeon. They stalk awkwardly, pigeons, because obviously they can’t make eye contact, so they’re sort of just shuffling along the rail menacingly with their scaly talons until you decide to leave. It’s not a pleasant experience to eat in close proximity to a pigeon. Anyone who has tried to down hot chips at Aotea Square or Albert Park or Chancery Square can attest to this. 

Some people have made pigeons their friends, of course. There are various Pigeon Men of Auckland who encourage pigeons to land on them in droves. Someone I know owns a pigeon named Chuggs. He worked from home most of the time because Chuggs got lonely. In my manuscript that I just handed in, my character carries a pigeon clutch to a party at the Auckland Art Gallery (the bag opens via the wing). I think I wrote that because I was missing my own pigeon friends in Myers Park that I’m always so scared will fly into my apartment. They aren’t really my friends, I guess, but celebrities. 

The Giant Pigeon has come down now, but I hope that one day they rise again.

– Jean

By Jean

NEW OPENINGS

Michael Dearth’s new Italian-American restaurant, ZAMBONI, is now open in Smales Farm, Takapuna. From what I can tell from influencers’ short 30-second videos, the vibe isn’t dissimilar from Baduzzi: big with booths. 

TEMPO, the new Japanese spot inside the The Wyndham Club (the golf simulator place) is opening tomorrow, 6 November. This could be a good shout for a last-minute corporate Christmas party if your creative agency forgot to book a place.

A new “onigiri sandos” spot has opened in Glen Eden called ONIZARU. I would like to eat one of these and am curious how well all the filling stays together.

Two scoops I spotted from the LAZY SUSAN newsletter: Jo and Natasha from Alma’s new space in the old Daphnes on Ponsonby Rd will be called Eletta, and Ragtag’s new restaurant on Karangahape Rd is named Kismet. Both crisp restaurant-y names.

EVENTS + NEWS

Plant-based dessert pop-up Liobôn is at Rumours this MORNING (Thursday) from 8am – rose/lychee/chocolate sando cookie, red bean matcha-misu and more.

This URBAN WINE WALK this Saturday is apparently designed for you to stroll through the streets of Ponsonby on a self-guided tour, popping into bars and meeting the winemakers. It does seem to suggest you can be wandering around with glasses of wine in between venues although that seems illegal and is probably not the case.

If you’ve missed it, a new food festival called AUCKLAND FEAST is about to start on 12-22 November. We’re putting this here now because there’s a bunch of special events you need to buy tickets for, including a Thanksgiving banquet with Culprit and Graze (Wellington); Burnt Butter Table at Osterio Uno; Londo (Christchurch) at Pici; Kasey and Karena Bird at Sea (e.g. a “culinary cruise”) and more.

Hapunan in the central city is temporarily CLOSING while their food truck and catering business revs up for the summer.

By Mike

Since the CRL opened 8 weeks ago much has been said about its potential to revitalise the city centre, and certainly a sense of future possibility can be felt passing through the new stations. Bringing more people into the city more quickly ought to make for a rising tide, and after years of sluggish-to-no-growth, it’s understandable to hope for a more buoyant outlook. A sobering counternarrative was provided this week with PRECINCT'S DECISION TO “PAUSE” THEIR $1.5B MULTI-USE DEVELOPMENT of the Downtown Carpark site opposite the Viaduct, despite pre-leasing negotiations underway for half of the office space. Evidently the demand is there, but the reality of years of economic stagnation amidst higher interest rates and inflation, with several false dawns but no end yet in sight, has eroded confidence in a major Auckland opportunity, no matter how jazzed the commentators and politicians might be about the future.

Another timely reminder, then, that the current state of things is not working, neither for listed property development firms nor for people at large: unemployment is now over 6% in Tāmaki, with 21.5% of those nationally out of work for a year or more. At this stage it’s unclear who is meant to be benefitting from the last three years of screwing down public spending. As we head to the polls this weekend it’s one more indication, should we need it, that it’s surely now time for us collectively to give this government our vote of no confidence, too.

Choice items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

FISHING DRONE
Current bid $250, Closes this morning
If you thought the Russian troops invading the Ukraine were ill-equipped for drone warfare, wait till you try it against the fish of the Hauraki Gulf.

NBA CARDS
Current bid $150, Closes this morning
Given the way this is rocketing up in value I feel like at least one of these Michael Jordan trading cards (If I were to guess, probably the one that’s gilded) is actually worth something.

REPLICA GOLD INGOT
Current bid $20, Closes tonight
This could easily serve as the central prop in an elaborate confidence scam and I’ll tell you something else, I have no proof of this but it seems to me with everyone so freaked out by AI cyber crime, if you got caught conducting an old school con with character work, disguises and props — the police would surely be more likely to find it more charming than ‘illegal’.

PIE FACTORY
Closes Sunday week
The entire contents of the now defunct Maketu Pie Co.

FRAMED, MINI COSTUMES FROM THE GREAT ESCAPE
Current bid $10, Closes Saturday
I have no idea what the deal with this Wes Andersony object is but it is extremely charming.

1976 HJ KINGSWOOD SEDAN
Current bid $12,250, Closes Monday
Potentially not the best car to own in the middle of a fuel crisis, but undeniably a handsome car from the design peak of the golden age of Australian automobile manufacturing.

By Simon

THURSDAY 5TH

WARNING: GUY FAWKES NIGHT

FIRST THURSDAYS
Karangahape Rd, Free
All the usuals including comedy in the Crushes basement (you’ll need a ticket for that though), movie night at Small Rave, a happy hour at Den Ramen with $3 oysters, lots of stalls and karaoke at Open with Blaise from Pride!

FULL PUSS
Basement, $30
Another comedy/variety show from the comical enclave of Wellington - this one with Keegan Thomes and Lily Catastrophe (who was here recentlyish with her show Bottom Surgery). Also while we are talking about The Basement, today is the last day of their Golden Ticket fundraiser which is $10 per ticket and the prize is a huge number of tickets to shows all over the place. If you haven’t already, you should get one.

RAMAYAMA: RISE OF A LEGEND
In Cinemas
Apparently the most expensive Hindi film in history and 30 seconds into a trailer a guy leaps into the air and knocks out a flying winged silver elephant and it looks amazing. Directed by Nitesh Tiwari.

FRIDAY 6TH

THE BIG LAUGH JAMBOREE
Old Folks Ass, $25
Guy Williams’ 5th Big Laugh Jamboree with Angella Dravid, Tony Lyall, Tim Batt, Richie Fa’avesi and Annie Guo. BYO food and drinks.

ARDON ENGLAND
Las Vegas, $40
Indigenous queer electropop artist on the Auckland leg of the TOO SEXY TOUR for which the rehearsals on Instagram have looked quite good. With Ryan Borne, Jason Parker, ONDRBRK, Naomi Pitcher, Kiki Kisses and The Dance Rave. 

LONTALIUS
Whammy, $20
First big show for indie/meloncholi-popper Lontalius since lockdown in service of his new(ish) album Real Fruit Ice Cream. Support from Emanuelle. 

EMMY J
Il Brutto, $15
3 hour set of HardBounce, NeoRave and Scranz. Support from Concussion and Whimc.

PARTY FOR CHANGE
Audio Foundation, $25
Huge night of improvised noises at the Audio Foundation with Takitoru (Rob Thorne, Ryan Tomov, Rāhana Tito-Taylor) joined by Phil Dadson, Ashley Brown, Tim Sutton and Don McGlashan on the euphonium. It has a fairly batshit blurb attached to it but in one reading it seems like they are going to be weaving some sort of magical musical spell with which to change the government.

SATURDAY 7TH 

WARNING: ELECTION DAY

AUCKLAND ROSE SOCIETY SPRING SHOW
Selwyn Library, Parnell, Free
This should be a nice relaxing thing to wander through to drop your blood pressure before white knuckling your way through the election results.

RAN
The Hollywood, $15
This revival showing of Kurosawa’s amazing retelling of King Lear is another good way to kill a chunk of election day anxiety (nearly three hours worth).

ANDREW MCLEOD / MARTIN SELMAN
Ivan Anthony, Free
Two of the best moderno-classicists together here – painter Andrew McLeod’s New Paintings and sculptor Martin Selman’s Astrape.

DOWN FOR THE COUNT
Open Late, Free
Election night watch party with music breaks from Fred, pizzas from Oli, wee creations from Judy Darragh and an open mic for hot takes which it feels like could prove to be a bit of a mistake but I’m sure they’ll get rid of it if it devolves too far.

LESS THAN JAKE
Studio, $95
If you want to just pretend the election is not happening at all and also find the perfect place to wear your checkerboard Vans, you’ll be hard pressed to find anything happening on Saturday better than this ska-punk-pop show from Florida’s kings of ska-punk-pop on their Circus Down Under tour. Also on the bill, The Suicide Machines from Detroit who are, admittedly, a bit more serious and The Aquabats! who are definitely not and who were also great whenever they’d show up on Yo Gabba Gabba.

ROFL WERLD
Neck of the Woods, $18
Also non-serious. With monoga.my b2b nima astria, lu*two b2b left hand loz and caru b2b dishwasher b2b lerm playing fast, fun ROFL music all night.

SUNDAY 8TH

PARNELL FESTIVAL OF ROSES
Dove-Meyer Robinson Park, Free
I could be wrong but two competing rose events on consecutive days in the same suburb reads like a local feud to me and I am hoping at least one of them will be full of shit talking and snide comments about the other one.

SHONEN KNIFE
Whammy, $60
Japanese punk legends.

IRON MAIDEN
Spark, $140
English heavy metal legends. With support from American heavy metal legends Megadeath.

TUESDAY 10TH

THE WONDROUS WORLD OF BUTTERFLIES AND MOTHS
Auckland Museum, $5
One-time Cringe intro writer and noted Mushroom enthusiast Liv Sisson is back with a new book, this one about Lepidoptera and she’s going to talk all about them!

MATTHEW GALLOWAY / THE NATIONAL GRID
Objectspace, Free
A talk about how the world is designed from Wellington based artist/designer Matthew Galloway who did that good phones and couches show at Sumer last year. Followed by the launch of the new issue of our most serious design publication, The National Grid. Featuring a beer made specifically for the occasion which is probably free to drink at this.

WEDNESDAY 11TH

AREEZ KATKI & BRUNELLE DIAS PRIMBS
Tim Melville, Free
Two of Cringe’s favourite artists showing together!