Issue No61 — Public Crash Out

I’m Brynley. Hi. There are days when you realise you are moments away from having a big sob. You need a place to crash out, quickly, non-chalantly. 

I figured I could put together a bit of a master guide for you. Here we have…

BRYNLEY STENT’S TOP 5 PLACES TO CRY IN AUCKLAND 

#1 – CHEMIST WAREHOUSE.

This one’s all about hiding in plain sight. It’s a bit out the gate, but I think there’s a sense of mystique to having a good wah in the all-encompassing visual affront that is 5000 discount stickers.

Chemist Warehouse is like the maze in that bloody Maze Runner film – people are always prepared to quickly turn away from you. They’re all about ditching an aisle that someone else is in. They can always go stare at baby items or protein gummies for five minutes and circle back.

And while you’re at it, you can fantasise about being someone who's actually ready to turn their life around. Chemist Warehouse has that peak new-year-new-me, middle of January, daily-moisturising kind of aura.

#2 – IN THE AUDIENCE OF AN ABSURD COMEDY PRODUCTION OR STAND-UP.

Am I laughing so hard that tears are spilling out of me non-stop? 

Or am I in the middle of dealing with the fuckaround of the world and letting myself unravel unbeknownst to my seat neighbours?

They don’t need to know. 

You could be at The Classic; at Q Theatre for Marathon; or the very ridiculous, silly, regular good-time BULLRUSH at Basement on Friday nights.

Note: You’ve got to keep your shoulders very still. That’s the giveaway of laugh-tears becoming a full-on sob. 

#3 – ON A PARK BENCH IN CORNWALL PARK OR MYERS PARK.

I think we can glamourise this knowing that when middle-aged mums and dads are going on their weekly walk, thinking about their perfect lives, they’ll want to know who that mysterious guy or gal is on the park bench totally losing it.

This is where you can choose between being a background character to others, or fully embrace your own main character sob. Own that space, hun. Your rent and taxes and rates are paying for it!!

#4 – PUBLIC TOILETS.

I thought I should add something that genuinely has some privacy. But I’ll be the first to admit, if you’re headed for a public toilet you should actually not touch anything and bring your own tissues (see: #1 Chemist Warehouse).

#5 – IN THE CLUB. 

If the revolution doesn’t include crying on the dancefloor then I’m not coming. 

You got this, babes. With love, Brynley x

Brynley Stent is an Auckland-based comedian, actor and all-round good time. You can catch her in Silo Theatre’s MARATHON, opening this Friday and on till 6 December, alongside Chris Parker, Kura Forrester, Brett O’Gorman and more.

By Jean

NEW OPENINGS

Yet another Englishy pub, THE PONSONBY PEACOCK, opens in the old Mumbaiwala space on Friday the 13th – a bold and aggressively non-superstitious move.

Three distinct patterns we’re noticing in Auckland’s wave of new hospitality openings: Englishy grub, acai and froyo, and, also, banh mis. Vie Cafe (that container spot on Shortland Street) has opened VIE BANH MI AND BREW at 98-102 Albert St.

Shibbys in Ponsonby opens this Saturday and they are giving away 300 bowls of froyo, which is undoubtedly going to make a heinous queue. I can’t encourage going but I know whatever I say will not stop you.

LA SIRENA DE TACOMAR is opening in the old Lobster and Tap shack in the Auckland Fish Market.

EVENTS + NEWS

Eternal Coffee is POPPING UP at Eden Terrace’s Parable House every Sunday in November. There will be pour overs, signature drinks (like the lychee cold brew) and bites to eat, too. I feel like I might have seen a char siu pie?

HOMU MATCHA is once again popping up, this time with Loop Collective (vintage goods) on 14 to 15 November from 10am to 4pm. 164 Ponsonby Rd.

There is a raft of Auckland Feast events on this week if you’re looking for something to totter along to, including Michael Meredith on a cruise ship (Mr Morris at Sea) on Saturday; a Fresh cheese masterclass at Tacoeteca, also on Saturday; and a progressive lunch celebrating the CRL at The French Cafe on Sunday. You can find all the events on their WEBSITE HERE.

DINEAID is back this festive season. Essentially, participating restaurants will ask if you want to add $3 to your bill, which then gets donated to the City Mission. Restaurants include Aarth, Beau, Cazador, Hugo’s Bistro, Pici, and lots more.

Pie Rollas are now serving at Beresford Square’s Northern Line (which is Rosie from Pink Neon Sign’s preferred date spot, as evidenced in our Ask an Expert video series).

By Mike

No matter the final outcome of the election, it’s clear that Auckland voters’ enthusiasm for the governing coalition has cooled substantially and to a greater degree than elsewhere. Repugnant voter suppression notwithstanding, the swing against National is a third more in the city (-10.7%) than the average in the rest of the motu (-7.9%), and the swing against the current coalition parties in total is four times greater (-4.7% vs -1.1%). Should the coalition scrape past the special vote tallies with a fragile majority it will be a government further to the right, with more Act and NZ First representation and fewer centrist National MPs remaining as counterbalance. The next three years might well see a ratcheting of tension as central government continues to impose conditions and dismiss local initiatives – enforcing an arbitrary rates cap, allowing perverse fast-track approvals, squashing the bed levy – from an ideological position that is increasingly out of step with Tāmaki’s electoral direction of travel.

In an attempt to get ahead of things, MAYOR BROWN HAS RELEASED A NEW MANIFESTO FOR AUCKLAND. It’s a worthy document of “common sense” proposals, full of bluster, that insists an Auckland approaching two million people ought to have more control over its destiny. The sentiment is surely correct but the prescription ultimately futile without meaningful changes to governing arrangements that brought about the laughable Auckland Deal in April, devoid of any scrap of funding or devolution, which the government then ignored at their first convenience. The unfortunate reality is that, while the council may want a bigger say in the critical decisions that affect us, for the time being their writ runs not all that much further than determining JUST HOW BIG THE BINS CAN BE.

Choice items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.
By Simon

BULK LOT OF PLANTS
Current bid $85, Closes Monday
Jess’s Underground Kitchen in Sandringham has gone under and amongst all their gear and what looks to be hundreds and hundreds of cookbooks is this collection of incredibly healthy looking monsteras, fiddle leaf figs, palms and planters.

90 ELECTRIC CAT MASSAGERS BEING SOLD IN PAIRS
From $10, Closes Tuesday
Most cats seem to live fairly blessed lives already but why not go the extra mile? I’m not sure why these are arranged in pairs but maybe so you can massage both your cats at once and avoid any petty jealousies.

SOFT SERVE MACHINE
Current bid $1,550, Closes Monday
The foundation stone for your own future Fro-Yo empire!

SOLAR HUB HQ LIQUIDATION
Closes Monday
Lots of solar stuff here if you’re an enthusiast and perhaps a clue as to what went wrong with this company, who apparently had a table tennis table, a pool table, a dart board, gaming gear, three massage chairs and an inspirational Wolf of Wall Street poster that says EARN SPEND PARTY on it, all in the same office.

By Simon

THURSDAY 12TH

MARATHON
Q Theatre, From $50
Silo’s last big show of the year, an original comedy by Nic Sampson about the disastrous Olympic marathon of 1904. With Brynley Stent, Steffany Silva de Latour, Chris Parker, Brett O’Gorman, Kura Forrester and Brayden Cresswell. Runs till December 6.

ON THE RAG x UMM ISSUE RELEASE
Goblin, Free
Fun, gossipy tabloid On The Rag has a double issue with Umm and for reasons beyond our understanding they are having a release party for it at Goblin. As always when foreign media is in town, go along to see Aucklanders showing off as much as possible for them.

PEARL DISTRICT COLLECTIVE PRESENTS OPEN JAM NIGHT
Portland Public House, Free
New jazz, funk and blues improv night, monthly on the second Thursday and open stage/mic for any of you wanting a hoon.

FRIDAY 13TH

WARNING: FRIDAY THE 13TH

PECHA KUCHA AT PAC
1 Bowen Ave, Free
An old school Pecha Kucha talk at the Pac Architecture studio on Bowen Ave with: Simon Farrell-Green of Here; Rebecca and Darius from Cazador/San Ray; Brick Bay Folly finalists Alena Zhu, Jiya Talwar and Jessica Love; David Thomas from the public art department of the council and Sarosh Mulla from Pac.

MORTIIS
Double Whammy, $60
A proper Friday 13th show of Norwegian Black metal/dungeon synth with Harvard Ellefsen (Emperor) playing songs from Smell of the Rain for its 25th anniversary with a full band (and probably his elf mask). Support from Wellington black-metallers Windswept.

4THEWIN
The Mothership, $10
RAP BATTLE! 

STAR MONSTER
Neck of the Woods, $20
American bass/bouncy dubstep DJ/producer with support from Sleazyfox, Hexiis, Slaps and Symple.

SATURDAY 14TH

F.STOP PHOTO FAIR
Studio One Toi Tū, Free
One day market/exhibition/zine/talk fest for photographers, labs and amateur enthusiasts from Auckland Zinefest and Chilean/NZ collective, Colectivo Narval.

GREENTEA PENG
Powerstation, $100
Psychedelic South London neo-soul/RnB singer (and winner of our Touring Artist Stage Name of the Week award) touring her 2025 record Tell Dem It’s Sunny. Support from Talia Perese.

BIG FAN 4TH BIRTHDAY
Big Fan, koha
Four years already! There’s an open day till 3pm with a record fair, gear repair and workshops then bands from 7:30: Sam Cullen and his band, Sarvi, Star and Johnny Naisbitt. 

CRASHFEST
The Claddagh, $20
Mini-alt/metal/punk festival across two stages at the Claddagh, with Total Crash, Somniium, Lipstick Cherry, Napoleon Baby, Back to the Hillside, Prosa, Capricorn and Model! Proceeds to Arts Access Aotearoa.

KOFI STONE
Tuning Fork, $70
English rapper from Birmingham touring his third album All the Flowers Have Bloomed.

SUNDAY 15TH

FIONA PARDINGTON
Te Uru, Free
The show is called To See a Face, and it looks like it might be a survey show of her work timed for the closing of her Venice Biennale exhibit, Taharaki Skyside. Runs till Valentines Day.

MONDAY 16TH

ASHANTI
Aotea Centre, $150
This has late cancellation written all over it.

TUESDAY 17TH

11TH AUT MATHEMATICAL MODELLING AND ANALYTICS SYMPOSIUM 
AUT, Free
A series of 20 minute talks from the frontiers of mathematical modelling and analytics featuring invited speakers Cicik Alfiniyah from Universitas Airlangga, Elisabetta D’Anastasio from Earth Sciences NZ, Prof. Nicolas Privault from Nanyang Technological University and Prof. Don Kulasiri from Lincoln. Should be spectacularly bewildering.

A KIND OF FURY
Q Theatre, $38
A new play by Alice Pearce about ‘female rage cycles’ reimagining the Greek Furies directed by Harriett Maire. Runs till Saturday 21st.

WEDNESDAY 18TH

ALL YOU HAD WAS FUN
Q Theatre, $30
A play in the Q Vault about friendship and role playing, written and directed by Cringe intro writer Sam Brooks! With Max Crean, Kate Johnstone, Adeline Shaddock and Tyler Wilson-Kokiri and styled by Kristine Crabb.