The Mystery Machine

Hello,

A couple months ago, I became obsessed with this new Boba Tea Bar sign on Queen St. It loomed large next to bbq chicken, on the edge of the alleyway with the sushi shop inside it. But the actual store was nowhere to be seen. We looked everywhere – we canvassed back entrances; we got on office lifts. Despite its complete lack of physical findability, it posted incessantly on FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM – photos of colourful drinks, buy-one-get-one-free promotions, ‘this or that’ provocations. It had invited influencers to its opening, who went, lured in by the promise of free bubble tea. But they couldn’t find it either. Even the staff at nearby Japanese restaurant Bentto told us that “it hadn’t opened yet”, despite its social media presence stating the contrary. Boba Tea Bar, where art thou, Boba Tea Bar?

Modern life has so few mysteries. Auckland hospitality, in particular, cannot afford to be mysterious. Our city might contain some other mysteries: the ownership of graffiti, unoccupied properties, hastily abandoned shops. But there aren’t enough of us here to sustain password-only speakeasies or secret menu items, and, anyway, we think it’s too try-hard. I think that every New Zealander has an engrained fear of being too try-hard. The cousin of being cringe. 

The truth of the Boba Tea Bar sign eluded me for so long. It was deliciously frustrating. Similar types of mystery – the owner of a new restaurant, for example – can usually be vanquished quickly with a look at the Companies Register, a favourite haunt of lifestyle journalists. However, the name “Boba Tea Bar” was so generic, it was impossible to find. Looking at who the Instagram page was following garnered no leads, and their Facebook page had plenty of images but absolutely zero likes – so I couldn’t follow that line of investigation. The trail went cold.

Months later, the anti-climatic answer came to me in a flash: a walk-by of the clothing store Whimsical Blu, on the outskirts of the alleyway, revealed a footpath sign with the Boba Tea Bar logo on it, nestled between the racks of on-sale clothing. It had been inside Whimsical Blu all along.

Love,
Jean

SPLORE TICKET GIVEAWAY! We have a ticket to SPLORE to give away! And it has the Thursday entry upgrade and free parking! If you would like to go to the last ever Splore and see the great Francois K, General Levy, Nightmares on Wax, Sister Nancy plus heaps more international and local entertainers including Cringe’s Face of 2025, Half Queen and previous winners of Cringe’s Band Name of the Week, Dick Move. EMAIL US HERE before Saturday morning with the subject line “SPLORE” to be in the draw. Winner will be notified on Monday! You must be a Cringe subscriber to win. 

In addition to Fifi’s Gelato on High St (which currently has 15% off), there’s also a new place called Sub Zero opening near the corner of K Rd and Queen St (used to be Hooked on Chook). The hoardings promise ‘extraordinary ice cream’ with ‘a delightful symphony of flavours that dances on your taste bud, making every moment sweeter.’

Speaking of ice cream – please come to Kimberley’s and my ice cream and wine pop up, DOUBLE PARKED this Sunday 15 at No 7, 2 to 7pm! THE MENU IS OUT NOW and includes scoops of the sweetcorn and ritz cracker variety, sgroppinos (sorbet in prosecco), and black forest sundaes. Ritz cracker is one of my favourite flavours Kimberley’s ever done. I will be there, running coupes!

On that same day, the Kelmarna WINE PICNIC is on, featuring wine by Halcyon Days, Tawhiti, Amoise and others, plus food by Georgia van Prehn (ex-Mr Morris, Alta).

Karangahape Rd bar ACHOS has started doing yakitori – the perfect snacky accompaniment to its various craft and non-crafty beers.

It looks like Pie Rollas is STILL expanding. Dedicated Cringe reader Justin saw someone wearing one of their shirts doing stuff in the old sushi place at the corner of Symonds St and Newton Rd.

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ETERNAL COFFEE is popping up next weekend at Commercial Bay for four weekends in a row, starting on 21st/22nd Feb (not this weekend, but next).

Gohar World-coded chef and “culinary artist” NIL MUTLUER is POPPING UP AT PICI on March 3 – I only bring it to your attention early as Pici is tiny and likely to book out. The promo photo is a sparse bowl of pasta with a quenelle of caviar on top, if that helps to convey the vibe.

After 11 years and one billion dollars, the NZ International Conference Centre officially opened yesterday. The construction saga, during which 38 months turned into 130, feels like a parable for our times: expect any sufficiently major public undertaking in Auckland to take three times as long and cost twice as much as first promised. (Presumably the quid pro quo of 230 additional SkyCity slot machines were up and running somewhat more rapidly.)

Most of us don’t have any need for the football-field sized exhibition space itself, but the 2,850 capacity Te Paepae theatre could be a valuable addition to the city’s music scene in providing an option when the Town Hall is too small but Spark Arena is a stretch. The INITIAL LINE UP includes serial domestic venue-christeners Six60 and Bic Runga, before diversifying into the Pogues, Agnes Obel and Joost later in the year. While the expected annual economic boost of $90m feels relatively modest, the greatest benefit might be the increased relevance of the Hobson/Nelson corridor to pedestrians – a long overlooked slice of the central city that could be much more. - Mike

Items from the liquidation sales of Auckland’s two-speed recovery.

Reminder: this stuff often has GST and a buyers premium slapped on top of the sale price. Be careful!

VARIABLE MESSAGE SIGN TRAILER
Current bid $2,550, Closes Wednesday
This is all the way down in Nelson which is a bit annoying, but even in going down to get it, you could tow it back displaying the message ‘I JUST BROUGHT THIS SIGN’. It would also be a great buy for anyone thinking of standing in the 2026 general election and looking to get their message out to rush hour commuters in an unexpected and intrusive way. Warning: Reg exp 8/25.

3X ASSORTED MEN’S SHIRTS
Current bid $40, Closes this morning
With all the Bad Bunny excitement at the moment, there’s never been a more important time to look a bit Latino in the club. In low light, the I Love Ugly Cuban shirt will get you most of the way there.

BOOZE

WEBER PORTABLE CHARCOAL BBQ
Current bid $90, Closes this morning
This little hibachi-style barbecue is brand new and nicely designed. RRP is not too far away from this, at about $180 – so don’t get carried away with it if the price starts creeping.

A BUNCH OF GAMING CONSOLES, PHONES, TABLETS AND TVS

FLOTATION TANK/SENSORY DEPRIVATION POD
Current bid $65, Closes Tuesday
An amazing addition to any lounge. This would either be incredible and you’ll live your life in a constant state of near-Nirvana, or you’d use it a few times, forget about it and it would just be this huge thing in the room with you filled with murky liquid.

5X BATH ROBES
Current bid $15, Closes Tuesday
If I’m reading the news correctly there’s a huge amount of demand for an illegal sex island, but currently no supply. If you are looking for employment, it seems like founding one could be very lucrative and buying these bath robes is as good a place to start as any.

REVEAL FACE IMAGER
Current bid $10, Closes Tuesday
‘The Reveal® Imager clearly shows your clients what is between her and the beautiful appearance she desires: sun damage, brown spots, red areas and more. Zoom into Reveal’s high resolution image to examine every wrinkle in startling clarity.’ Horrific.

FRIDAY 13TH

DREAMING FROM AFAR
Gus Fisher, Free
One of two new shows opening at Gus Fisher. This one is a painting show with Tyronne Te Waa, Cringe fave brunelle dias primbs and Gian Manik, who is over from Australia and painting frescos after a recent residency in Italy where they have heaps of those.

ANITO
Q Theatre, From $59
Filipino dance performance in which “Performers Justin Talplacido Shoulder and Victoria Hunt transform into animal-human-plant-machine hybrids. In this world of sheer terror and tremendous beauty, they interrogate colonial wrongdoings and queer ancestral mythologies.” It’s very front and centre in all the Pride material so it’s either really good or just has a cooler promo picture than the other events. 

BORIS
Il Bruto, $30
German techno with Berghain resident DJ, Boris Dolinksi. NOTE: He’s starting at 11pm and it looks like they’ve got a bit of a double booking situation with the John 00 Fleming set booked on the same night, but finishing before this starts.

SATURDAY 14TH

ALAYNA SET HER FREE
Common Space Studios, Free
Immersive sort of pick-a-path album launch installation thing for alayna’s new album. Limited space due to the nature of it so make sure you RSVP on the site.

BLUES v CHIEFS
Eden Park, From $25
Happy Valentine’s Day rugby lovers – Super Rugby is back with your beloved, wholesome Auckland Blues playing THE SCUMBAG WAIKATO CHIEFS. 

VALENTINE’S DAY
Big Fan, $199
Of the many Valentine’s Day offerings around the city this year, this is the most unhinged – you and your beloved record a duet from the Valentine’s playlist at Big Fan which will then be mixed and you can keep forever as a testament to your love. Comes with a free drink from Side Hustle across the road which I would recommend having beforehand.

PROWL STREET DANCE WAACKING BATTLE
Raynham Park, From $10
It’s sad that we have to be having a Pride festival to get dance battles back into the city.

EARTH TONGUE
Double Whammy! $40
Psych-rock duo with an album release show for Dungeon Vision. The video for the single IS PRETTY GOOD.

CHURCH PRESENTS PRIDE 2026
Neck of the Woods, $35
Features Pilar and Hayley from The Ultimatum: Queer Love!

SUNDAY 15TH

BIG GAY OUT
Coyle Park, Free
A great chance to chat to your local politician while they are wearing their most casual clothing.

MONDAY 16TH

LIFE DRAWING WITH TONY GUO
Studio One Toi Tū, Free
Learn how to draw nudes properly with another of Cringe’s favourite painters, Tony Guo.

THURSDAY 19TH

SWEET TREAT PUNK NIGHT
Whammy! Free
This month’s lineup: Blisster, pop punks Piece of Mind and ‘all-girl, semi-queer, grunge/indie/punks’ Pretty Grimm.

ROBOT RAMPAGE WORLD CUP
Runs till Sunday, 69F Onehunga Mall, $30
Robot fighting tournament with NZ, Brazil, Australia and USA competing. For an extra $20 you can watch from the front row which does not seem advisable to me.

JOE ARIWA
Double Whammy, $25
Downbeat night with Joe Ariwa who is on his way to Splore with General Levy. QUICK FACT: Joe Ariwa is the son of Mad Professor!

NO OTHER CHOICE
In Cinemas
Very well-received comedy/thriller from Park Chan-wook (Old Boy) about a paper executive who looks to cement his lifestyle by murdering his competition. Lee Byung-hun stars.